I have officially applied to 75 jobs, spanning from Lynchburg, VA, to Washington, D.C., to the Northeast. It's the job-searcher's equivalent of fucking anything that walks.
This milestone of sorts has made me somewhat giddy--or maybe that's just the high amount of caffeine soaring through my body today. It would seem, with the magical number of 75 (and only 25 away from that soon-to-be-reached milestone, 100) maybe I will get a job soon. As fake as I feel through this whole application process (it's a bit like a blind date--you amplify your good qualities, while repressing bad/socially unacceptable ones), I hope to get a job somewhere, eventually, where I can just be my wonderfully weird self that my friends and family seem to like so much. However, I know that my sense of humor in particular would get me a 'don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out' rather than a second interview. With that in mind...
A list of things about myself that would get me hired for the wrong reason(s):
1) When I'm good, I'm damn good, but when I'm bad, I'm better.
2) I think dead baby jokes are hilarious, not because I like dead babies, but because THEY ARE HILARIOUS.
3) I don't really believe in much of anything. Simply put, do as you will, but try to harm no one. If you do, 'fess up--and eventually forgive yourself, as the thriving clusterfuck that we call humanity is prone to error.
4) I think, and argue this with my Psychology background, that functioning alcoholism is NOT alcoholism. If you can function, and if the habit itself is not affecting your personal/work relationships, then it's not really a problem. You might, however, be an asshole, drunk or sober, which we can blame on your personality, not your drink of choice.
5) And speaking of alcohol... I read a study recently that found people with lighter color eyes (versus those with brown/dark eyes) were more likely to have an increased tolerance to alcohol and other drugs, and are also more likely to abuse alcohol. Now, some of you may be tempted to say something about the Irish developing a genetic affinity and therefore tolerance to alcohol, but the *other drugs* part kind of ruins your stereotypical joke. But, think about it...if the arbitrary distinctions that separate 'moderate' or 'heavy' drinker from 'alcoholic' were created by a brown-eyed person, based on his/her brown eyed observations (which again, would be arbitrary), wouldn't this and other such studies descry a need for new (still arbitrary) distinctions that were increased in quantity of alcoholic beverages for lighter-eyed people? Just saying.
Time for a beer.
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